My greatest and most dangerous ability, is the ability to hide everything. To mask the pain under nothing but smiles. People won’t know I’m depressed unless I choose to show it. I laugh, joke, play, have fun, but really it’s all just an act, and people have the slightest clue. “I’m fine, was just thinking about something” <—— this line has single handily gotten me out of situations.
I remember when I used to take therapy. My therapist’s asked me why did I do this. I couldn’t answer her, but what she said I’ll never forget. “Maybe it’s because you don’t want people to know, maybe it’s because you’re afraid that if people find out they wouldn’t like you anymore. Or maybe it’s because you think lying to them will eventually make it true since you’re lying to yourself. Maybe….maybe you’re waiting on someone to look seep past those lies, and recognize that frown behind your smile…”
If someone were to actually look past it….idk what I would do.
The last time I cried was at the end of 8th grade, arguably the worst school year I’ve ever had. Ever since then I yet to shed a single tear. It’s not that things haven’t happen to me that would make me cry. It’s not that I don’t care. I just sort of thought to myself, what’s the point. It’s not like no one would have really cared anyway. Maybe it’s also because I locked myself away inside. It’s this depression. I think I’ve been just pushing my feelings and emotions deeper and deeper that I forgot they exist. Maybe I don’t have the ability to cry anymore. I think sometimes I need to. I just, can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t know.
Here’s a secret….I’m scared I wont cry at my mothers funeral..